


The Trouble with Brittanies

by TheYahwehDance



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Bad Puns, Chloe Decker is a Saint, Crack, Gen, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) is a Dork, Lucifer is bad at phones, Misunderstandings, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 16:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18574933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheYahwehDance/pseuds/TheYahwehDance
Summary: Lucifer has a lot of experience with Brittanys, but nothing could prepare him for this.





	The Trouble with Brittanies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [matchstick_dolly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchstick_dolly/gifts), [emynii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emynii/gifts).



“Detective!”

“Lucifer! You were supposed to be at the precinct three hours ago. Where are you?”

“Well Detective, if you must know, I have a bit of a problem.” He sounded panicky.

“I _so_ don’t have time for this right now. What’s wrong?”

“Brittanies, in fact. Four of them. I’m a little, um, out of my element here.”

“Oh my god. Lucif-“

“What do I feed them?”

“Excuse me?”

“What do I feed the Brittanies?

“I have no idea. Cocaine and Vodka? Isn’t that what they usually eat?”

“Well, yes. That’s the problem, I tried that and they don’t want it.”

“Okay, how about pizza?”

“Excellent thinking, Detective” he paused, “Can they eat pizza? Is it safe?”

Cool, Chloe thought, very cool. Her best friend and partner was having a mental breakdown.

“Yes, Lucifer. They can eat pizza. Now listen, I have to-“

“They keep licking me!”

“This is so inappropriate.”

“How do I make them stop licking me. Stop laughing, Detective this is serious. I would like them to stop.”

“Have you tried asking them nicely?”

“I am not a fool, of course I have. But it appears as though they don’t understand English, or any known human language for that matter. It’s quite distressing”

“Okay. Well, I don’t think this is really –”

“What do I do with them?”

“I have no idea. Take a hot tub?”

“And have them ruin the filter with all their hair? Absolutely not.”

“O-kay. I’m hanging up now Lucifer.”

“Wait, Detective! Don’t go. It seems they love birds. Chasing them, in particular. It’s become quite a problem, actually.”

“Um, that’s pretty weird. But why is this a problem?”

“My _wings_ Detective! Have you not been listening to a word I’ve said? They saw my wings and Oh Dad _get off, down girl!_ ”

“Lucifer. I do not have the time nor the patience to listen to your weird sex games with the Brittanies. Are you coming in to work today or not?”

“Detective! This is serious, do not hang up-“

Chloe hung up the phone. She was late for a meeting and had no interest in listening to her errant partner describe his sex life. And she definitely, absolutely, under no circumstances was jealous that he had four women over at his house right now. No sir, not jealous at all.

-

Lucifer looked at the phone in shock. She had hung up on him. What happened to helping each other in their hour of need? If he had an hour of need, then this was certainly one. The Nephilim were a cake walk compared to this travesty.

He looked at the four Brittany spaniels staring at him intently, eyes wide and eager for the wings to come back. He was the biggest bird they had ever seen.

“Bloody hell”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the lovely ladies of Filii Hircus for insisting that this piece of nonsense be saved for posterity. This is entirely your fault.
> 
> Shout at me about puns and Lucifer on [tumblr](https://theyahwehdance.tumblr.com/)


End file.
